Already I fell off the wagon. Hard!
It started with a week of the flu. I was eating from 300-800
calories a day in broth and toast. I couldn’t imagine a vegetable passing my
lips. I slept and whined. I didn’t exercise a bit.
When I started to feel a bit better, I upgraded to noodle
soups. Maybe some chicken and well-steamed broccoli. Nary a raw vegetable in
sight (which normally is what keeps me on track). I was still low on my
calories, so I didn’t much care. Plus, I lost more weight and was down to 227#!
I had planned to “cheat” on Easter, but still didn’t feel
well. I probably ate a few too many scalloped potatoes, but overall I ate very
little compared to my usual bingeing!
Then I felt almost all better. And my partner didn’t want to
cook. And I didn’t want to cook. And the thought of a salad still made me gag a
little. So he ordered a pizza. And I said “oh what the hell” and ate half a
slice. Then another half a slice. Then a few bites of my daughter’s. Then
another half a slice.
705 calories later, I felt gross! I’ll admit it, I have some
body image issues. I sometimes equate what I’ve eaten or how I look to the kind
of person I am. Which is wrong, ok? I know this isn’t right, and that eating
705 calories of pepperoni pizza doesn’t make me a gross person, it doesn’t make
me a bad person, it doesn’t make me “sad” or stupid or take anything away from
the success I’ve had so far. But this was how I felt. I had an argument with
myself. My overeater “devil” on one shoulder saying “it was just one meal…just
one cheat…don’t worry about it…you deserve it.” My self-conscious “devil” on my
other shoulder (yes, I have two “devils”…probably more, lol, but these were the
ones arguing amongst themselves that evening) telling me that it was wrong, and
I just wasted all my work and probably gained a bunch of weight back and how
stupid could I be? I would never succeed. And so I wallowed in my self pity,
with my overeater mentality appearing to be the “angel” on my shoulder. Making
me feel better about myself. Telling me to go get a reese’s peanut butter egg,
because damnit, why not?
The next day, I started somewhat healthy, but faltered at lunch
when we took the kids out to a restaurant. I thought I was ordering healthy…a
chicken fajita rollup, with shredded chicken, pico de gallo (fresh salsa),
lettuce, and cheese. Well, with so much cheese, and a creamy dip (which I didn’t
eat much of, but can’t calculate), the calories ended up being 1040! Plus 230
for the salad (which doesn’t compute, since it was just lettuce, tomato,
cucumber, and shredded cabbage and carrot with a tiny bit of light honey
mustard dressing). I ate that damn reese’s peanut butter egg. And some reese’s
pieces. And a few jelly beans. (can you tell I like reese’s?). I was at almost
2,000 calories for the day, and feeling even worse than the day before.
Until I talked about it. It may have only been on a facebook
group, but I talked about it. I got it out. I realized that the voice of reason
isn’t any of the devils on my shoulders. It is my healthy self, somewhere deep
inside. Sure, I felt bad because I gained 3 pounds. Sure, I knew I needed to
get back to thinking healthy. But indulging on pizza or a really tasty meal out
doesn’t deny that I am still over 15# down from my starting weight! And there
is probably a decent amount of water weight there from all the sodium. I need
to accept that shit happens, and the only thing we can do is dust ourselves
off, get back up, and start over. Feeling guilty won’t help, because you can’t
change the past. You can resolve to do a bit more exercise to try and balance
out those calories, which may start a good habit of increased exercise in
general. You can put your foot down and use your emotional energy towards
healthy thinking (both about food, and about yourself).
Positive thinking doesn’t always come naturally to me. I
know a lot of people for whom that applies. But you can consciously change
that. Even if you feel super shitty about yourself, every time you take a step
back and really look at what happened, really look at “how bad is it?” you take
a step towards healthy thinking. Obviously, for some people, it takes more than
just self-talk. I’m not discounting that! I’m talking in generalizations.
Feeling a little (or maybe a lot) bad about yourself is, unfortunately,
something that is seen as normal in today’s society. Especially for women. It
is going to take a lot of positive self-talk to help us move towards confidence
and healthy thinking.
Today has been better. If I stick to plan, I should be at
1180 calories, which gives me a little wiggle room. And I took the stairs twice
today, which is better than I usually do here at work.
No comments:
Post a Comment